Back ?

Prabhas ( on whom, unsurprisingly ! I had a tiny crush) emailed me inviting me to the CLC placements blog as a contributor. Once I had logged in, changed the God-awful background I realized I did not even remember the background of my own blog.

And then it was like flashing back to 2007 when I had started off. The journey since then, of how I have been drifting farther and farther each year. My resolves of keeping it a true account of heart forgotten somewhere among internships, college and friends.

At one time, Blogger was my friend. Random people whose names I cannot recall were friends, friends who lifted my spirits when I failed to get into a college of my choice. People who did not question the awkward phase I was going through or the sudden influx of responsibility that I was too busy shirking off. I forgot Blogger and its people when I made friends outside the virtual world. Sounds rather pathetic having "no" real friends. The thing is I had real friends, I just preferred the virtual ones. With me, preference becomes a huge deal. I make my preference known very clearly.

There used be days during exams where I would be furiously scribbling blog posts at the back of my register lest I did not forget everything I had to pour out to the online world.

Its been nine months since I thought about this.

There is this weird feeling in the bit of my stomach. The sick feeling of guilt for betraying Blogger, not my virtual friends but only Blogger. There is a tinge of happiness because I found friends I can tell things too. But  a large part of it is fear, fear of those very friends.

Goa !

Goa is okay.

I want Goa now. I have reached my I dont care phase about clothes hence i cannot be bothered now.

Sand, surf, sleep and tequila awaits me.

I promise not to worry or be bothered by anything in Goa. 

Girls :D

I am learning, to be a girl. Not just how to act and behave but also to talk.

I have friends who are girls now and rather than ignoring and not paying attention to their girly behaviour, I am actively participating !

Yes, I am rather proud of it myself.

Hopefully I shall transform before I end up getting married to a boy my Grandmum knows through someone (which btw is one of my biggest fears).

That reminds me, I must do a post on marriage. Perhaps after Goa. 

2012

2012 has been a memorable year. You know the kinds you remember when you are eighty, perhaps in a rocking chair wondering whether the dinner will have mashed potatoes. But the reason it will be memorable is because of the lessons I learned.

At the end of 2012, I am half a lawyer. I am not the confused teen I was, I know myself, my dreams and my ambitions. It has been a roller coaster year; there has been joy and sorrow, love and heartbreaks, calmness and depression and all the various volatile emotions ranging from the mad temper tantrums to those moments of perfect happiness.

I changed. Dreams changed. Friends changed. Family changed. Everything changed or atleast my perceptions did.

So lets round up a brilliant 2012,

So year started with the same resolutions as the previous ones. However, like the previous ones I haven’t fulfilled any of them. I honestly don’t remember much about January except that was the first winter in Law Faculty. I remember drinking the sweet tea from those sticky tea glasses and shivering for the morning eight thirty classes.

February was completely different, I was interning for the first time in my life at an “Uncle” law firm. The lessons I learned there (academic and non-academic) will stay with me all my life. It was my first brush with office life and while we were treated to a party on the second day there, backstabbing, gossiping, office culture were things whose existence I acknowledged for the first time. Frankly, I learned as much about law as you would learn from reading a Law Commission Report but what I did learn were Three Golden Rules. These rules have helped me through countless hard times. February was also the month of Comic Con, which was like visiting my childhood again. Pinki, Chacha Chaudhary, Tinkle were comics I consumed by the dozen. I suppose seeing them in existence ten/twelve years later brought sweet satisfaction, that even though Cartoon Network had changed there are things which remain the same. February also brought my first semester result, I have not jumped so high with joy since. It was also the month when I first kissed a boy.

March was Muscat. They say third time is a charm and it certainly was. If it felt like home in year before that, this year we did homely things, wined and dined with neighbours, exchanged cups of sugar and stories. If I concentrate hard enough, I can feel myself standing at the Seeb beach with those round stones under my feet and the turquoise water in front of me, amazingly I can recall watching the group of Muslim school girls chasing each other’s hijab as they flew in the cold sea air, the two Pakistani men who sat silently gazing at the horizon perhaps remembering home. Muscat is a tumultuous time always, the need to stay away yet the yearning for home.

April and May are months which flew by fast. Exams, notes and comprehending who were friends and who weren’t sum them up. Unfortunately I remember a lot of tears, heartbreak and anger. This was my low point of the year. I would love to disregard this time however it was rather significant. I was insecure about myself, doubting every move I made and had the confidence of science student giving an accountancy exam.

And then came June, I was at my second intern. The first ten days I spent as an actual law intern and I worked on drafting, Manupatra, privacy policy agreements (terms I had heard for the first time).  The rest twenty days were a never ending party, endless laughter accompanied with terrible read yummy dhaba food. I became friends with people from different backgrounds and colleges, it was exhilarating to know that I could go toe to toe with a student from a NLU. I will always remember this month not only for the lessons but for the laughter because it was endless. It reverberated through the room, I can hear us laughing about the things we did. The simple joys of food or smoking and having your senior come over and ask for a smoke or the rush of having spent an entire day doing productive work  and coming home to tell your Mum about it. It was about those small things and large but most importantly, June gave “me” back. I was me.

(second part coming next week or when I stop smiling because I cant stop remembering how much we laughed)  

Go Goa

When I was in class five or six, we went on a family vacation to my Dad's favourite holiday spot Shimla. We travelled in the Toy Train, stayed in a gorgeous hotel, visited Chail and Kufri and did tourist-y things. 

That is the last memorable vacation I recall where it all seemed extremely simple.

Subsequent vacations to Jaipur, Rishikesh and even Muscat were adventurous but lacked the element of holiday. 

So when the Goa holiday with friends was propagated, I got excited. I was ecstatic, daydreaming during exams, using it as a bargaining tool to finish chapters, using it as a motivating factor. 

However, now as the fifteenth of January draws nearer, the thrill is slowly seeping out.

When the Goa vacation was created, I imagined days spent lazing, not worrying what we ate or what we wore, not having a schedule of places to visit or must do things, hours spent lying on the beach writing/filling my diaries, sipping at pina coladas staring into the sea. That's the image I had in my head.

Its increasingly becoming something far and far away from this image.

Shopping, clothes, accessories, suitcases, money, dresses, shorts, sunscreens, hats, things like body image, party behaviour, swim ability and adjusting are becoming the major issues.

The things I want out of Goa seem terribly different from the things that other people are going for. 

My reason is simple : I want a vacation from everything. I want a holiday from life in Delhi, some days to myself to process and think without being distracted by mundane things. I want to enjoy, laugh and have fun for five days without giving sparing a thought about anyone. I want to sleep. I want fun. No partying, no friendship, no family. 

Most of all I want peace.

Terrifying

The last three days have been particularly hard. It is not easy to deal with the real side of dreams. We were taught, dreams are endless but are they really ?

When  terms and conditions render them all but useless, does the integrity or the very essence that makes it a dream remain ?

In my head, the steps I had paved to my dream were enough. But I realize they aren’t, and I suppose it’s the worst feeling.

It terrifies me to admit this but I am back to square one now. What is worse, I don’t know where to begin. 

Stay

Some people leave, others come back and then leave and then there are some who just stay.